How to Blue-Peter Yourself a Tortoise Table
Step 1: Take one set of shelves and lay them on their back then line the inside with self adhesive tiles from poundland. Put the pegs used to hold the shelves in place along the top and lay the shelves over them to serve as a darker area.
Step 2: Seal with animal-safe sealant. Also from poundland.
Step 3: Line with poundland tarpaulin for ease of cleaning and add organic topsoil from homebase, aspen for under the basking lamp (it gets warmer than soil), then add stuff to climb on. Also, mostly from poundland. Sample slate and terracotta tiles are free if you pretend you want a kitchen re-done and boxes come free with the stuff you ordered on ebay. An upturned washing up bowl with a hole cut in serves as a large hide. Safe cheap plants from wilko’s add decor and allow grazing. Lastly add the heat source and the UVB+A lights via ebay and bobs your uncle.
Step 3.5: Get to know the lady who serves in poundland so well that you are now practically on first name basis and have chats about how she’ll get a little bonus if she sells all the chocolates by her till. Deny chocolates and say you are penniless from buying all this poundland crap.
Step 4: Add tortoise. Preferably a semi-retarded, daredevil, messy one that had to be rehomed because it was bullied and now insists on launching itself off everything to make you have a heart attack.
I want my badge now please.